It's a Funny old Game !

The following is a small selection jokes / stories etc that reflect just what a funny old game this sport of cricket is. They are extracts from 'A Century of Cricket Jokes' by Exley Publications Limited. Hope you enjoy. If you have any others you would like to share with us then please feel free to send them in. All contributions welcome !

Cricket Defined:

Cricket: casting the ball at three straight sticks and defending the same with a fourth.

Rudyard Kipling

That classic description we all have heard, no apologies for enclosing it.

You have two sides: one out in the field and one in. Each man in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's been out in the field comes in, and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out. Then when both side have been in and out twice - including not outs - that's the end of the game !

An English School boy's explanation.

Umpires:

This selection, surprisingly, has been sent in anonymously !

Why are umpires, the only two people on the field who aren't going to get grass stains on their knees, the only ones allowed to wear dark trousers?

If at first you don't succeed, blame it on the umpire !

The devil challenged St. Peter to a match. Remember, said St. Peter, we have all the good cricketers up here. Yes, said the Devil, but we've got all the umpires down here.

Wives:

It's a funny kind of month, October. For really keen cricketers it's when you discover that your wife left you in May.

Denis Norden

The keen bowler was well into his run up when a row of funeral cars passed the ground. He stopped in his tracks, took his cap off, held his hand over his heart and bowed his head. The umpire was very impressed by this noble gesture. You're a man who shows real respect for the deceased; said the umpire. It's the least I could do, said the bowler. After all she was married to me for thirty years.

A Husband was discussing his bowling with his wife, to which she replies; 'You got ten wickets ? Gosh that's nearly the whole team isn't it ?'

His wife was in full flow; 'Cricket, cricket, cricket - that's all you think about. What about us ? I bet you couldn't even tells us what day we were married ! Yes I could; replied the husband (proudly). It was the day Ian Botham scored 147 against the Australians !

Captain's advice to his young bowler:

Okay Kelvin. Tempt him onto his front foot; he looks wobbly there. Failing that, knock his block off !

You've got him rattled; that six didn't go nearly as far as the last.

Famous exchanges:

Viv Richards once reputedly played and missed against a aspiring fast bowler who promptly made the mistake of giving the master a description of what he had been aiming at. 'It's red and it's round ! ' he said. Richards immediately walked down the wicket and clattered the bowler's next delivery out of the ground and down the road, remarking to his taunter: 'Since you know what it looks like, you go and get it !'

Dennis Lillee, one of the all-time great Australian fast bowlers, was a fierce competitor, but he always found time for some banter with his favourite umpire, Dickie Bird. Once after Dickie had turned down his very loud LBW appeal, Dennis said, 'I think your eyesight's going, Dickie.' No, replied Dickie. It's your eyesight that's going, I'm the ice cream seller !'